Idiosyncrasy and Peculiarity served hot…

Go ahead… just hit me, pound me while I could still afford to smack you just enough to get you out of my way. Go ahead and strike me, bruise me while I’m down contemplating and plotting ways to pinch you back. I will show you how off beam your choice is to hurt me. I abhor the fact that you’re not human, but a condition, state of mind truly so unfair…. Can’t you see that I’m bushed and harrowed by you and only you? The moment I lift my head and see a glimpse of harmony you already mastered the art of making my eyes see nothing but pure bedlam and disarray. I hate you I swear… I’m so disgusted with the way you made me so helpless and so wasted. You’ve turned me into a schizophrenic, socially dysfunctional, people pleaser whore. Some may call it being pleasant and being lovely, well lovely my foot. I know I’m ranting and fuming but who gives a flying pooh. I want to rant and scream in your ears until your ossicles bleed, too bad you don’t have ears… puhleeze. Argh!!!!! Just make it stop… make it stop…. Make it stop….. Lord….. I’m so tired… no one dare compare me to anything. I’m not in the mood to be all lovely and pleasant to anyone. So just… just stay away if you consider criticizing me and judging me. It’s bad enough that people make me feel nothing so just please…. 

Watermelons are great for shakes especially on a blazing hot afternoon. It quenches your thirst, makes you feel that there is nothing better than that good slushy of watermelon at that exact moment. No amount of water,OJ, or soda can fill that need of thirst, well of course its all relative and im speaking subjectively of course, so anyone who feels like objecting…. well…. wala lang…. Wah! anywayz,so there, i felt all this most of the time, but everything changed when one afternoon after enrollment, les and i was so pooped out from walking, laughing and doing all sorts of goofy things in g4 when i decided to stop by fruit magic and by myself a medium glass of my favorite watermelon shake. well of course i felt so relaxed and truly quenched, and i suppose so was les coz she bought one for herself too, so there was 2 medium sized watermelon shakes on the table.hehe. anyhow, so there, we decided to retire in there mini chairs at the side, and gossiped and commented endlessly which celebrity looked dull, and which one looked stunning. after a while, less gave that surprised looked-eyes widening when she saw this basketball star, which normally i would not have reacted, but when i turned around and saw who it was, it was this guy that i really liked back in highschool. well, he’s not really that goodlooking but he has his charms, so anyway i froze, coz i really liked him , and used to watch his games, i was starstrucked to make things short. so he was there buying, and flaunting his "harmless" charms to people, so i drank my watermelom shake very quickly, and even drank les’ drink, well less than half lang, and felt my tummy really full, mind you, we just finished lunch 2 hours prior to that fruit magic thingy, so i was full even before i… oh well you get the picture. so there finally les and i left, and decided to go home, she went with me coz we were planning to hang at her tita’s place in BF, so there we rode the shuttle, and there it all started, when less and i felt that really weird feeling that people get when they have to pooh. well aside from it feeling nasty, the very thought that the shuttle wont be leaving anytime soon made me feel even more sick. so there we were sitting, holding our breaths, with sweaty palms on all those horrible effects of nature, "when you gotta go you gotta go"-annie. i told les we better sleep to divert out minds, and just feel a little peaceful, but of course we knew it wont last that long. so anyway,we had to hold it till we reached BF, and rerouted our agenda towards my home. we literally raced to any available bathroom in my home, and i never felt so grateful for toilets for the longest time, for being there and always ready to comfort me. uhhhh wait, i think it came out weird, but anyways, you people get the picture. so there, wala lang, i just felt like writing it coz i want to remember it, coz it might slip my mind, and forget it, these are the times when i thank God thaT memories stay memories, man it was fun, the adventure, but dude, no way will i do that again, so watermelons are banned from my sight ever again. EVER………………….. well, maybe till i desensitize and throw out all the horrible feelings it goes with it.

Can I just announce to the world how much I love CANS! I know the sound of CANS- California Nails and Day Spa is like a siren of kaartehan and kakikayan peircing the ears. But for me its more than just looking great, its about being able to rest and relaxed so that you will be able to feel alive and beautiful. Mock me and all but after that stressful, toxifying week, CANS became my sanctuary last saturday. not because of anything else in the list, but purely because i needed a place were i could breathe new oxygen and a little time to absorb some earthly happiness. God, my lovely God gave me that gift, he gave me the chance to pamper myself in CANS and i am most greatful indeed. Well i guess what im trying to say is, God works in ways i least expect him to work on, and i am just speechless and greatful for being able to receive and feel God’s love for me through these little things. through this, i have learned to appreciate things that i have taken for granted most of the time. Without God last week, i wouldn’t have the faintest idea where i would be if he wasn’t there every step of the way. he made things and instances much better, clearer, easier… what more could i ask for? =D

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
Inside my head

Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close,
Dont patronize

Dont patronize me

I cant make you love me
If you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And Ill feel the power
but you wont
No, you wont
Cause I cant make you love me
If you dont

Ill close my eyes
then I wont see
The love you dont feel
when your holding me

Morning will come
and Ill do whats right
Just give me til then
to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

I cant make you love me
If you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And Ill feel the power
but you wont
No, you wont
Cause I cant make you love me
If you dont

Its 1:00 am, and no one cares if the acuity of the time is late or perhaps advanced as long as there is time to write. Time consistently amazes me, and surprises me even at this very moment. I am only in control with a few seconds and thats about it, then suddenly it just passes me by… never to return to me even if i loose my teeth. ^_^ Im actually very haggard and tired as of this moment. the smiley that you saw earlier is the product of masking, pretence and a facade. im a certified nomad, who happens to be tired and exhausted with what life, or should i say mundane life has beem trying to show me. it looks so alluring and enticing to just slip from this world into a seasonless one. yes a secured world were middle ground is the hottest new trend, while pure bliss and peircing pain is nothing but a  figment of someone’s ilusions to actually put meaning to this humdrum life…. my hands are typing away, but it seems like my brain cant catch up with him… how sad… how powdery my pondering is… please with all do respect dont mind me, incoherence is residing here. weepidooooo…..

I miss our home in Sta. Ana, Manila, the times wherein my Lola wouldn’t allow us to go out because she was so scared that me and my sibs (endless) would get germs, or worse, that people with zany thoughts would harm her poor little angels. confining us was insanely irrational but the thought was very much priceless. I miss the feeling of having a family to care for me that much…

I miss the brownouts in the summer of ‘92, wherein me and my sibs would enjoy and hate each other’s company because there wasn’t anything childish to do but be a rut and a brat. I miss my Titas forcing us to go out into the garden to absorb the vitamins from the sun that we needed, then afterwhich straight we go to our daily piano and violin lessons. I miss Philippine Columbian, giving me and my siblings the nastiest tan line ever, having the french fries after a long tiresome swim, wherein i wickedly placed tons of ketchup on it so that macky couldn’t get any. when nightime came, i miss waiting anxiously with the endless for the electricity to restore so that we could watch our favorite cartoon shows especially our betamax galore of sound of music, ninja turtles, annie, lost boys, simpsons and the little mermaid- pausing it when scuttle twists his feathers with the tinggle hopper and laugh our hearts out. i miss hawaiian lessons with a vile teacher in disguise, and ballet classes with an 18 year old friend. more than all of this, i miss the time when we, the endless genuinely enjoyed each others company, sleeping in each others arms while the tv was running…

I miss our old tradition of Christmas Eve, wherein me and my sibs would beg for our parents to let us open our presents on 11 pm instead of exactly 12 midnight. afterwhich, rushing to the longest table i have ever seen when i was 7 years old, and wait for the helpers to cool down my hot chocolate and toast my pandesal with butter and ham oozing with caramelized sugar. after the abundance of blessings, the family would gather around the sala to listen to us play our christmas pieces that we have been practicing for over 2 months, and clapping in high spirits on how proud they were with us eventhough we got half of the piece entirely in a different tempo. i miss the times wherein we were always complete as a family during christmas eve.

I miss my Assumption friends, the "varsity blues" as i recall, making my last two years in Assumption high the best years i ever had in that school. going to the mall wearing the same attires, buying platforms in woman, writing funny and unbelievably long 6′12 inches letters to each other. talking and singing to each other over the phone for more than 9 hours (powers of 3way and conference). requesting songs at 89.9 and beeping each other ever so often. playing the guitar during recess and lunch, and tried so hard to switch from a boy band gal to a rocker chick. finally having friends to call my own, and who cared for me so much. i miss them… all of them… i miss being close to them, i miss not being strangers in each others sight everytime we see each other lately…..

I miss LBBCA, a place where i never thought i would grow as a person. i miss grace, the very first person in school to accept me, no questions asked. i miss red, my dear friend who gave me a gumamela he picked at burger king near my house when i was sick, and called me once in a while to make sure i was doing alright. i miss gretch, who danced with me in the dance dance mat of the playstation crossing the new year, learning new songs together in the guitar, and having our feel of our first ever mobile phone. i miss mark, who would gently smile and talk to me and at times would completely avoid me leaving me with question marks popping out of my brain. i miss matthew, who carried my luggage up the super ferry boat when we had a convention in cebu. i miss mikee, who would talk to me about fashion and make up during class time. I miss kai, who saw me at my weakest, and always dried the tears from my eyes, when people would hurt me. i miss joshua, who loved me like a kindred spirit, i miss paola who appreciated me for who i was, and saw the beauty within me. i miss fiona who would laugh crazily with me, and would talk about all funny experiences and kwento we had each day. making her my partner in crime in almost anything during our last year in this school. i miss our teachers, who loved us more than they had to, and cared for us more than it being their jobs. i miss conventions, cebu, pangasinan, footlong sanwiches, halo halo, cheese tarts, salabat, awards night, love letters eyeliners, otap, birkenstock hunt, suite room in super ferry, dolphins swimming with the ship. i miss yoyo, who became the only source of strength to get up everyday when i felt like giving up with my life. who made me happy in ways that if i wrote it down would take several days in the making. i miss loving him…i miss the time when  all of them were so close to me instead of scattered in different countries and in different circumstances, having the comfort and peace that i knew they were just there within my reach… (to be continued)